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exanimate

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I don’t think I’d have been quite so quick to leave Amadeo and my brother behind if I’d known what this household was like. I thought it would be quiet and peaceful. I didn’t know that Maynard’s sister was one of the…they call themselves friars, but it’s nothing but blasphemy. I thought Fenella understood what I meant when I said I would seek a second marriage, for the sake of my children and their future, as quickly as I could. She said that she would introduce me to society, and she has; but it is not marriage they offer me here, but whoredom. Fenella says that I don’t have to go in the back rooms, and that countless marriages are made there, and it will prove that I am not like Carmela or my husband…but I am not a fool.

And yet I would gladly do it, if Alma is spared. Fenella says that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I can even stay in my rooms while they meet, and avoid the whole thing, and yet I must face facts; after what my husband has done, decent society will not receive me. If I am to get a husband at all I will have to find a way to make one of these men take me seriously, and it will not be by hiding myself from them.

Alma…I don’t know what will become of her. She has a better chance for respectable marriage than I do. But really, how much is that saying? I am very beautiful and I have good blood. I would trade it all, right now, for the kind of education that would have fitted me out to support myself.

The skies are very wild tonight. Fenella thinks there is trouble in Londinium and she has redoubled the wards. I could do so very little to help. I know magic, but only what was thought suitable for a good Catholic maiden to learn in the convent, holy and legal. Nothing of spells like these. I had power, but it was not for me, only to be passed on to my children. Alma is not like me. She learns everything.

Asher…I don’t know what will become of him, now. I know Dra Serrano doesn’t think much of me, but she cannot imagine what it is to live my life.

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worried

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So here I am in Kent, presuming on Fenella’s charity. She and Maynard were far from close—in fact they were openly rivalrous as long as he lived. But she cares for Alma, and she does not, she says, hate me.

I wonder sometimes if I would have been happy in Ireland, with Brigid, who seemed warm for all her loud impropriety—but I do not think Alma would have been. At least this way Alma need not think about finding a husband until I have found mine.

I have a nice room. It is not like the rooms I had in Shorne Court, but it is better than the little cell I had as a girl. It will do, and I will be able to see enough of polite society that I can attract a husband once my six months of mourning are over. Not that I don’t love Maynard, not that I don’t mourn him, but I am a foreigner here on sufferance; I need a protector. And I am not living with my cousin Amadeo nor my brother Esteban; I could not allow my children, especially Asher, to grow up in the company of the reprobates and libertines my brother chooses as friends.

I think that Alma may be happy here, and Amadeo will miss us, but Esteban is enough of a burden. My brother is afflicted, and he also feels responsible for Carmela’s husband, Ercole, and I fear they may fall into sin.

Asher is still in hospital. It is a good thing that I don’t have to pay for his treatment; I couldn’t, and Dra Serrano is convinced he will require a long course of it.

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exhausted

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They’re not going to kill me. I think it’s because I told them the truth, and the truth was at least somewhat pleasing: that I do not want this country to become the kind of country that my family would have wanted it to be, that I like it here, that I obeyed and supported Maynard because it was my duty, and that I did love him, though perhaps not as well and obediently as I ought to have done.

Now I have to decide what to do. Fenella says she will take us in. So does Esteban, but he has nothing the Leffoys have not given him. It seems I have no choice. My children will live among pagans wherever they go. At least Fenella is not a drunkard, so I will probably go to live with her, but… We have lost everything. They are letting us keep our clothes and a few of our books and some of our jewellery, but not the best pieces. Alma will still have her pearls, but my diamonds are gone for the war effort.

I can find a man who will give me more diamonds, and I had better do it—for the sake of Alma’s dowry, if nothing else. It will be hard enough for her to find a decent husband with the spectre of her father hanging over her. At least she won’t have to marry before she has reached a respectable age! But where will I find a man who will accept my children as his own? Especially poor Asher, who is so sickly and difficult.

I should write to my children, but I am exhausted and still don’t know what I think. They have let me go to Amadeo’s house for the moment. I think I will sleep for a while and then write.

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listless

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I've been going through Maynard's papers all day, and I don't understand any of it, but there's no marriage-contract here, just letters. He'd got much further in his negotiations with Rochford than I suspected, because he knew how I felt about that, but there's no proof.

There's not much proof of anything, actually, but that's to be expected. He's trying to protect us, God rest his soul. Tried. I still can't think of him as dead.

And dinner, now, with Alma and Asher, and I have to put on a good face for my son. I don't know what to tell Alma. Our priest says he thinks that there is a betrothal, and that he helped draw up a contract, but it isn't here.

She's too young. My baby. I want to keep them at home or send them away, but doing either of those things would tip our hand and we'd be left with nothing. Oh, Lord, though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death...

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numb

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My husband is dead.

Our priest came in to tell me, just now. That is how they get word to us, sometimes, through our priests...because they cannot deny us our faith, and because priests can come and go without comment.

He died in Borgoña, fighting for the cause he believed in.

If Kyteler finds this out, we are finished here, because it will make him a traitor.

I do not know what to tell Alma, or Asher. I think that Asher must not know, because we cannot let it show. Almita, though, I think she will have to be told.

God help us, may his Saints and Mother Maria look down upon us in mercy. My husband gave his life for You.

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worried

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Maynard's gone, and I know he's gone back to Borgoña even though there's no letter. I don't know how they got the message here, but the very fact that they did get it here is frightening enough, because Maynard promised me that he'd have nothing more to do with my family after Carmela died, and I don't want to have to tell Kyteler's men that I don't know how the message came.

I'm not sure they'd believe me. I don't want to think what I'd have to go through to prove it, though, or Asher and Alma. I'll be so glad when they are safe at school.

I just hope they can't prove anything. I don't have anything left; they've frozen all my family's assets here in Britannia, and if the Crown confiscates Maynard's possessions, we'll be forced to throw ourselves on Fenella's charity. And I don't want to presume on that, after the way Maynard's treated her over the years.

I'll say a few more rosaries. I don't know if I still believe it'll do any good, but I don't think it will hurt.